Schuirella
by Siko Kudou
Summary: Siko's spin on a classic fairy tale...


Heh heh, please enjoy and r&r ^_^

                                        SCHUIRELLA

Siko: (sitting in a kindergarten classroom) Gather round children and I will tell you the story of Schuirella!

Kid 1: Isn't it Cinderella? That's how my mommy says it…

Siko: Your mommy can kiss my ass.

Kid 1: *blinks*

Siko: Ahem, once upon a time, there lived a lovely bishounen-

Kid 2: What's a bee-shoo-nen?

Siko: *sighs* Don't you dumb kids know *anything*?

Kids: *all stare blankly*

Siko: A bishounen is a pretty boy, duh.

Kid 3: Boys can't be pretty! You're silly! 

Siko: *pouts* They can so!

Voice: Just get on with the story!

Siko: Fine, fine…once upon a time…

(There is a view of the inside of a nice cottage. we see Schu in a raggedy dress sweeping some stairs and grumbling)

There lived a lovely bishounen named Schuirella.

Schu: Schuirella? Couldn't you think of something more original?

Siko: KEEP THE MOUTH SHUT! Ahem, this lovely young bishie's name was Schuirella. Schuirella was a very happy boy and had a very happy childhood with his father until he died…uhhhhh…in a boating accident, yeah…and to make a long story short, our bishie was sent to live with his mean stepmother and 2 wicked stepsisters.

(Aya walks over dressed trashy in drag, smoking a cigarette)

Aya: (in a Joan-River's type voice) SCHUIRELLLLLLLAAAAAA!!!!

Schu: What the hell do you wa-I mean, yes, stepmother?

Aya: Did you hang up the wash?

Schu: Yeah…sure…whatever…

(Omi and Nagi saunter in, also in drag)

Nagi: Schuirella, did you buy me some more diet bars? I've been looking so fat lately!

Schu: Aren't we Mr. Observant? 

Nagi: *glare of death*

Omi: (looks at Schu in a concerned way) Oh, you look tired…I think I should take over your duties.

Nagi: *nudges him*

Omi: I mean, sweep the chimney!

Schu: Screw you.

Omi: Nani?!

Schu: Nothing.

Omi: Oh.

Schu: Yeah.

Omi: Ah.

Schu: Yup.

Omi: Hn.

Schu: Eh.

Omi: Mm-hmm.

Schu: Mm.

(meanwhile, miles away in the kingdom, king Takatori and queen Manx were busy preparing a ball for their son, Prince Crawford. Enter Takatori and Manx, both obviously dressed as royalty)

Manx: Ew, I don't wanna be your wife…(inches away from Takatori)

Takatori: (sniffs his armpits) Is it really that bad?

(Crawford walks in wearing a little crown, looking incensed)

Crawford: I don't *want* to get married! Don't you people understand that I *enjoy* my bachelorhood?!

Takatori: Son-

Crawford: Don't call me that…*shudders*

 Takatori: You must be married before your 18th birthday.

Crawford: I'm 27, you ass.

Takatori: I'm an old man now-

Crawford: Good, would you hurry up and die already?

Takatori: -and you need to find a queen before I'm gone. One day you will be king…

Manx: Wrong movie.

Crawford: I'll be king? (imagines the world burning, people running around in flames, screaming and Crawford standing over all of them, wearing a big crown, a fur rope and laughing maniacally. He holds a scepter and is zapping people to a crisp with it)

King Crawford: HA HA! DIE! DIE!

(back in reality, Crawford is quietly laughing to himself as Manx watches, worriedly. Takatori is looking on proudly)

Takatori: That's my evil bastard of a son!

Crawford: (immediately stops) Thanks A LOT for ruining my fantasy! (storms off)

(back at Schuirella's house, the 'girls' had gotten an invitation…)

Nagi: The prince is having a ball!

Omi: It's to decide his future wife!

Aya: Hmm…if we go, then maybe he'll chose one of you to be his queen…then I can get closer to Takatori (Shi-NE!) and get my revenge for-

Omi: (covers his ears) Alright, I think we've heard this story already.

Schu: Hey, can I go, too? Prince Crawford's a fox…

Others: (stare at him for a second, then start laughing hysterically)

Nagi: You've gotta be joking! You? At a fancy ball? Oh, that's rich!

Omi: Yeah, trash need not apply.  

Schu: I'll kick both of your asses!

Both: What did you say?!

Schu: I said…I'll use some of my assets…

Both: …oh.

Schu: (looks at Aya) Please, please, please can I go? I'll do anything!

Aya: Well…if you finish your chores you can go…*winks at the others* 

Schu: Alright, that can't be too hard…

Aya: …right. Anyhow, you have to mop the floor, rearrange the cupboards, wash the dishes, sweep the walk, clean the bedrooms…

(2 hours later)

Aya: …do the laundry, make the beds and churn some butter.

Schu: *sighs* This is all some scheme to keep me from going to the ball, isn't it?

Aya: Pretty much, yes. 

Omi: Now get to work!

Schu: Der scheißkerl…

Omi: Eh???

(Aya and his 'daughters' have long since left. Schu is sweeping the floor…again)

Schu: *sighs* I wish I could go to the ball…where's my fairy godmother when I need her?

(suddenly there is a puff of smoke!)

Schu: Huh?!

(we can hear hacking. When the smoke clears, Yohji is standing there smoking a cigarette)

Yohji: Ah, I should start using the door…

Schu: Get the hell out! (starts hitting him with the broom)

Yohji: ACK, STOP! *falls down and shields himself) Stop, I'm your fairy man-whore!

Schu: …fairy…man….whore? (hesitantly stops)

Yohji: (gets up and brushes himself off) Yeah, OBVIOUSLY (points to his wings, wand and halter top)

Schu: So…you can do magic?

Yohji: Oh, yeah, I do *wonders* with my mouth-

Schu: I mean actual magic, you pervert!

Yohji: …oh…yeah, I can do that, but I could always show you something even *better*…

Schu: See, I have this problem. There's this ball-

Yohji: (raises his eyebrows)

Schu: Sicko! (hits him with the broom again)

Yohji: Ow! Okay, okay!

Schu: Hmph…now then, there's this ball that king Takatori-

Aya: (from somewhere) Shi-NE!

Schu: -is throwing to find a wife for prince Crawford *sighs* He's soooooooo dreamy…

Yohji: And lemme guess. You want me to give you a fancy dress, turn a pumpkin into a carriage and mice into horses so you can go to the ball and make prince Crawford fall in love with you and live happily ever after, right?

Schu: Exactly.

Yohji: Or…you and I could just start fucking right here and you can put the prince off for a while…whadaya say, baby?

Schu: Hmm…screw Yohji or go find my true love?

Half an hour later…

Schu: (putting his clothes on) Alright, that was worth it. Now do your fairy man-whore stuff or whatever. 

Yohji: Oh boy, I hope I don't screw up like last time…

Schu: *rolls his eyes* That's very reassuring…

Yohji: *looks at his wand, confusedly, shrugs, then points it at Schu* Bippity-boppity-boo!

*nothing happens*

Schu: You're a sucky fairy man-whore!

Yohji: Just shut your trap, I'm working here! Ummm…Hocus Pocus!

(Schu turns into a toad)

Schu: You bastard!

Yohji: Hang on, wait a sec…um…

"I will use this magic spell to make Schu look really swell" 

Schu: That was so lame. *croaks, but the he becomes his pretty lil' self again (fangirls: phew…), only this time he's wearing a pretty black dress, a pretty gloves and a pretty tiara and glass slippers* Glass slippers?! Do you know how easily that could cut me if I fell?!     

Yohji: Stop your bitching and get in your damned carriage. (shoves him over to a green carriage…thingy)

Schu: It smells like a rotten cabbage! This is disgusting! I *refuse* to ride in this!

Yohji: Oh, yes you will…*shoves him inside and pushes the horses(one of which is wearing goggles and other which is wearing an eye patch) ahead* Now go take Schuirella to his true love or whatever…   

Schu: I don't like how one of those horses looks.

Yohji: Oh, and one more thing. You have to get outta there before the stroke of midnight because you'll turn back to normal…*puffs on his cigarette*

Schu: Why can't you just let me stay like this?

Yohji: Because it's more fun to complicate things…now onward! 

Schu: I think this was a bad idea…

(at the ball…)

(Crawford is surrounded by a bunch of girls including Aya, Nagi and Omi)

Aya: See how pretty my daughters are?

Omi and Nagi: (giggle at Crawford)

Crawford: (shoots them a glare) You're breathing my air…

Omi and Nagi: (immediately stop and back away)

Aya: So, anyway, one of my daughters would make a really good queen, so that I can move into the palace and kill Takatori(shi-NE!)

Crawford: Um, I could do it for you.

Aya: Don't get in the way of my revenge!

(suddenly everyone is quiet and they stare up at the top of the stairs where a certain German bishie is standing. Crawford looks up at him and raises an eyebrow. Schu, blushing descends down the stairs to Crawford. Instead of bowing he just waves his hand)

Schu: Yo.

Crawford: Who are you?

Aya: (glares) I'd know that ass-er, *face* anywhere…

Schu: I'm…uhhh…well, that's not important now…aren't you going to ask me to dance?

Crawford: Actually, I just wanted to bang yo-

Schu: (clears his throat)

Crawford: (sighs) Sure, whatever. (grabs his hand and pulls him onto the dance floor)

Schu: (grins and sticks his tongue out at Omi and Nagi)

Omi and Nagi: (shocked expressions) How dare he!

Aya: (crosses arms) Buy something or get out.

Omi: Eh?

Aya: *looks around* Never mind.

 (and so Crawford and Schu dance, blah, blah, blah, very romantic)

Crawford: (stepping all over Schu's feet)

Schu: Ow! For a prince you're not very graceful…

Crawford: Bite me.

Schu: With pleasure.

Crawford: (blinks)

(they both look at each other and grin)

Schu: Wow, prince Crawford, your eyes are so deep and brown…

Crawford: Wow…whatever the hell your name is, your grin is so…smug.

(they learn in closer, but then Schu looks up and notices that the clock says 11:58)

Schu: Ack! Listen, I have to go-mmmppffhh! 

Crawford: (kisses Schu) 

Schu: (shoves him off) Um, I'll be back some other time! (starts to rush off, but Crawford grabs his arm)

Crawford: Wait, can't I at least have your number?

Schu: (kicks him in the crotch and runs away)

Crawford: Owwww…(keels over) Wait! Come back! I don't even know your name!

Schu: (running down the stairs outside trips and falls on his face) Damn glass slippers! (he looks down at them to see the heel is broken off of one) Stupid fairy man-whore and his malfunctioning glass shoes…(pulls it off, gets up and continues running)

Crawford: (followed by his royal guards) Dammit, he got away! (mumbling) Freaking tease…

Guard: *picks up glass slipper and shows it to Crawford* Your majesty, it's a slipper.

Crawford: Wow, very perceptive! What the hell am I supposed to do with a shoe?!

Guard: Um, you could go around the whole village and try it on every bishounen to see which one it fits perfectly on.

Crawford: Wait, I've got it! I'll go around the whole village and try it on every bishounen to see which one it fits perfectly on! Ingenious! 

Guard: *hand to head*

(back in the cottage, Schu has just gotten back, panting and wearing his crappy clothes again)

Schu: I'm going to KILL Yohji!

(at that moment, Aya, Nagi and Omi storm in)

Schu: *grabs a broom and starts sweeping* Boy, you're back early…

Aya: *looks around* Not even *half* of your chores are done.

Schu: I like, fell asleep or something…

Nagi: Oh, likely story.

Schu: *smirks*

Aya: *knowing look* You will not sleep tonight. Instead you will finish your chores. I'll deal with this in the morning.

Schu: *groans*

(when morning comes, Aya walks downstairs to find Schu lying on the floor, asleep)

Schu: (snores)

Aya: (kicks him in the head) Wake up!

Schu: (instinctively sends him a mental blast)

Aya: (faints)

(meanwhile, Crawford and his court have been walking around to all the cottages in the village, but it seems no one's been able to fit in the shoe)

Guy: Your majesty, maybe we should stop…we've been to every house by now…

Crawford: No! Not until I find him! And look, there's one more house we haven't visited…

(Nagi and Omi look out the window to see Crawford coming up their walk)

Omi: It's him!

Nagi: It's the prince!

Aya: (eyes immediately snap open) the prince?! (hops up and rushes to the door, clears his throat and opens it) Good day, your majesty. *bows*

Crawford: (hand raised in mid-knock) Oh…it's *you*.

Aya: Do tell why you have chosen to grace us with your presence? 

Crawford: I was here to try a shoe on a guy, but I can see I've got the wrong house. Good day to you *starts to walk away*

Aya: Wait, you do have the right house! Um, wait here just a second! (rushes inside) We have to put Schuirella somewhere so the prince doesn't find him!

Omi: The broom closet?

Aya: Right…*grabs Schu by the hair, drags him over to the closet and throws him in, locking the door*

Schu: *waking up* Hey, why's it all dark?

Aya: *opens the front door* Please come in…

Crawford: *shoves past him* Let's just get this over with…*grabs Nagi, throws him down on the sofa and puts the shoe on him*

Omi: It's 10 times bigger than his foot.

Aya: Nonsense, it fits perfectly!

Nagi: (gets up and tries to walk, but trips and falls)

Crawford: *glares* Give me that. (yanks the shoe back)

Nagi: Eh, I tried.

Crawford: (shoves Omi down and tries to put it on his foot. Omi's foot is too big)

Crawford: It's obvious this isn't working-

Aya: Wait, yes it is! (with all his might shoves Omi's foot into it) See?

Omi: (stands up wobbly and his foot starts turning blue) Um, yeah it's a perfect fit…(falls over)

Crawford: *sighs* I guess I'll never find him…

Voice: Wait, you forgot me!

Crawford: (looks at Aya) Who was that?

Aya: What are you talking about, your majesty? 

Crawford: You know damn well what I'm talking about. What's in that closet?

Aya: Um, just brooms and stuff, nothing *you*, your diviness would be interested in…

Voice: Pfftt, he sure seemed interested in me last night…

Crawford: Open the closet. Now.

Aya: *sighs* As you wish…*unlocks it and the door bursts open, slamming him in the face. Schu walks out, grinning haughtily)

Crawford: It's about time…

Schu: (rips the shoe off of Omi's(who is passes out) foot and puts it on his own. It fits perfectly) HA! Kiss my ass, evil stepmother person!

Aya: Aw, crap…

Crawford: Alright, time to go…Survivor is on in 10 minutes, so make haste! (grabs Schu and gives him the obligatory fairy tail kiss, slings him over his shoulder and carries him out)

Schu: (waves at Nagi) You take damn good care of my mice…

Nagi: Mice? What mice? (he fails to notice a mouse with an eye patch, wielding a sewing needle creeping up behind him)

Mouse: Heehee…God will hurt…

(end with Crawford and Schu riding off into the sunset. In the distance and Nagi running away from a maniacally laughing mouse)

Siko: And they lived happily ever after…except for Aya, who was arrested for horribly impersonating a woman, Omi, who was sent to a foster home and Nagi who was being stalked by a rodent. The end.

Kid 1: Wow…I never knew that's how the story really went…

Siko: See, you learn something new every day…*looks at her watch* And now it's for me to go…

Kids: *grab onto her ankles* Don't go, Siko!

Siko: *kicks them off* Hey, don't worry…I'll be back soon…with yet another bad fairy tale parody!

Kids: YAY!!!!

Siko: *evil grin* Now to go corrupt more little minds…ja ne…

                                                       ~*~Owari…?~*~  


End file.
